Sweet Migraines

(8/31)
How does someone ever make it right? Will I ever feel the same way about this person? There are very few people that I really become close to in life. I mean don't get me wrong I have lots of friends. But the sad part is that they may think they know me, but honestly they don't have the slightest idea about me or my life. I carefully chose who I let in and most of the time I chose correctly. I know ya'll must be thinking what deep dark secret does this girl have?? Well there are a few things that I am just not proud of, and no I am not discussing them here, maybe one day. Nothing horrific like murder or mayhem, just things that show my life wasn't always perfect. It still isn't perfect, but boy I sure have came a long way. I kinda wiped the slate clean when I moved from North Carolina to Missouri.

Recently I trusted someone to keep a secret, it wasn't anything too personal. I got some really good news at work, but I was told I couldn't discuss the news until later. Well I was just absolutely delighted, and I tried really hard to hold it in. A week went past and she asked me about it along with tons of other people and finally I just broke and swore her to secrecy. What a huge mistake. She promised she wouldn't say anything. So a couple more days after I broke my silence go by and still no announcement has been made of my news, and quite frankly I am getting tired of telling people no I haven't heard anything when in fact yes I have and the news is quite good, but thanks to management I cant share my wonderful news so stop asking me questions I cant answer. I still haven't told anyone else though because I am nervous enough just knowing that I have told that one person.

So she is discussing my news with her cubical mate and he is also someone who has applied for the same position that I have. Well that just complicates matters worse. Not only has she broken my trust, but she is talking about this to someone who could seriously get me in me major hot water. I could lose my new job faster than I got it. So of course he gets upset and goes to talk to his supervisor and wants to know what is going on with the job. WHAT THE F! Now I have to smooth things over with him and stroke his ego, something I don't even do with my own husband. Which I did, and everything turned ok. Well everything except for my ego.

She sends me a text message over the weekend and asks if I am mad at her. To which I reply that I am upset that I can no longer trust her. I expected her to just keep her mouth shut no matter what anyone said to her. Play dumb, nod and smile...whatever...you promised, you swore to secrecy.

I still cant talk about this in full detail because there still has been no damn announcement at work! 2 weeks, I am losing my patience. This sure was a lot to ask of someone. You publicly announce the job posting. Everyone knows there has been interviews, people have been told they did not get the position and 2 people have been told something, but they cant talk about it. Rumors have been spreading like wild fires in California. I am out of things to tell people. I am just going with I cant talk about it right now. Which just makes people talk. I was trying to totally avoid that in the beginning by just saying no I hadn't heard anything, but now I just give up.

(9/9)
Finally my new promotion has been announced! I could not be happier to be in more of a leadership role at work. I am finally getting paid for the job that I have been doing for the last year, which is problem solving, help desk calls and going above and beyond what is expected. I do have to wait for someone to be trained to take my place before I can officially start, but my increase in pay has started even though I am not able to start my new duties.

Of course there has been a bit of drama with this promotion from my fellow co-workers because this job wasn't posted. Remember I talked about the job I applied for didn't have the greatest hours, 4 days a week 10 hour shifts. Well I actually got a better job. When I accepted the position I knew there would be some tongue in cheek remarks and not everyone would be happy for my success, but that is okay. I know that I earned the job based on my merit, or I would not have presented with the better position.

I am also starting to talk to my friend again. I may not start trusting her with my inner most secrets, but I could tell she was truly sorry. Hopefully she has learned when to keep her mouth shut from now on. I do care about her and would hate to see our friendship be over.

1. The illness I live with is: Migraine disease
   
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2009
   
3. But I had symptoms since:2001
   
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: learning how to say no, I cant be in 2 places at one time, nor can my schedule be packed full. I have to take some "me time"
   
5. Most people assume: that if I am smiling I am feeling fine, no I am just good at faking it, so you don't ask.
   
6. The hardest part about mornings is: nothing, I sleep in the mornings :)
   
7. My favorite medical TV show is: Eleventh Hour and House
   
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my yahoo toolbar
   
9. The hardest part about nights is: my restless leg syndrome
   
10. Each day I take: 3 Topamax, 10 sprays of Migra Spray and 2 capfuls of a liquid multi-vitamin
    
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: use meditation & aromatherapy
    
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I wish I didn't have to chose, but visible would be my choice.
    
13. Regarding working and career: I am still lucky enough to to be able to work every day. My career is very important to me.
    
14. People would be surprised to know: I used to refuse to take medication. I hated to even take a Tylenol for a headache.
    
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: that I do have to set limits for myself
    
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: I am learning to write and express myself through my blog. Hopefully I will be able to do something more in the future.
    
17. The commercials about my illness: there are commercials? I hate commercials
    
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: socially drinking
    
19. It was really hard to have to give up: a non set sleep schedule. I liked being able to go to bed when I wanted and sleep in how ever long I wanted too, now it is important that I go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time.
    
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: learning as much as I can about migraines.
    
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: I would plan my normal day sometime in the future so I could actually plan something and know 100% that I was going to be migraine free.
    
22. My illness has taught me: do what you can on the good days and try to not feel guilty about what you left on the bad days
    
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: When I tell people that I have a migraine and they offer me a Tylenol, please don't, it doesn't help my migraine and just reminds me that I have an incurable disease.
    
24. But I love it when people: ask me about my doctor's appointments
    
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: My disabling chronic illness is more real than your imaginary medical expertise. - You Don't Look Sick
    
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: even when you feel like you are at your wits end, or you feel like you have lost all hope, there is lots of web support and to keep the faith.
    
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: the inaccurate or out of date information on the Internet about migraines.
    
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: my husband brushes my hair to ease my pain and to relax me
    
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: we need more people aware that just because you can't see someone physically ill, doesn't mean they aren't in pain.
    
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: that there is hope and that together we can make a difference.

You can find out more about National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week and the 5-day free virtual conference with 20 speakers Sept 14-18, 2009 at www.invisibleillness.com.

This Sunday was our one year anniversary. We had a really good weekend. Friday started out well. We headed to the St. Louis Arch. I have lived here for several years and still hadn't made it to the top, so that was on the to do list. The view at the top of the arch is just simply amazing. The weather was gorgeous. I was a little disappointed because my camera was not working, but thankfully Dustin's camera phone took pretty good pictures.

Saturday we had a cook out with our friends that we like to get together with and go out to eat, but instead they just invited a couple of different couples to their house. They were having some issues with their air conditioning, and with all the cooking going on in the house it was just was HOT HOT HOT. I really tried to stay cool, because I knew the heat is a major trigger for a migraine, but I failed. Luckily I was able to take some Zomig and at least hang on for another hour or two.

Sunday we just hung out and spent some quality time together. We went to a Japanese restaurant. It was really awesome. I love the show the cook puts on and the food is always great. We watched a couple movies that I bought him for his gift. As ya'll already know I got my gift early, which was my laptop.

I feel so blessed to have such a great man walking by my side, not in front, or behind me, but right beside me!

This Friday is a little different because I am discussing someone who has been part of my migraine support system,so I want to write about her blog and how much she has been a factor in my life over the years.

This weeks featured blog is Pink Pearl Girl's Migraine World for a number of different reasons. Pam is my ex-step mom, but the ex part is still hard for me to say. Pam blogs about current news events with migraines and medications. She is an advocate for migraine and stroke. She has suffered from Migraines since she was a teenager,and unfortunately has Fibromyalgia and Raynaud's disease as well.

Pam was there for me in so many ways when I was growing up through my teenage years. She was always there to listen to me when I had a problem that I didn't know how to talk to with my dad. One situation particularly comes to mind, birth control pills for the sexually active teenager..need I say more. We sat down and discussed the situation to my dad and she even called and made my first appointment with her OBGYN.

My dad and her lived several hours away from where I lived with my grandparents in the beginning of their relationship, so I would only visit occasionally through out the school year and a few weeks during the summer, but I can always remember she would have fun stuff for us to do. She took me to get my hair cut one time and I got the best head massage with my hair wash that I haven't been able to duplicate since. She had a Sega game system that I would play all weekend, I loved that sonic the hedgehog. Pam really never tried to be my "mother", but I sure respected her like one. I'm sure I was the typical teenager and didn't show it like I should have. I also remember being included and accepted into her family like a daughter.

I remember being so excited when I got the news that her and my dad would be moving to the same town that I lived in. I loved her so much by then. I really wanted to move in with them, but the ever so controlling grandparents would not have anything to do with that. My weekends were heavily spent with her and...my dad.

I can also remember her being in a lot of pain from her migraines. I remember having to drive her to the hospital one night because she had a really bad migraine. She needed a shot.(Now that I am writing this and remembering this stuff, I wonder what that shot was?) I really tried to understand, but it was hard. I didn't want her to be sick. I wanted her to feel good, so we could go do stuff. I was a teenage girl. I wanted to go shopping. I wanted to talk. I didn't want to hang out with my dad, he was boring. He wanted to watch barf (our code word for golf) on TV and drink his scotch. I also remembering having to defend her against other family members who just didn't want to understand her disease. I would not allow anyone to talk about her in front of me. People can be cruel when they think their shit doesn't stink and they live in a glass house.

I went off to college, she, my dad, and brother(love you Sammy) moved away, but we still kept in contact for a few years, until I went through a very rough patch in my life and lost all contact with her and my dad. I later found out that she and my dad got a divorce.

I joined a migraine yahoo group and low and behold I found her back in my life again. I was really happy because I knew if anyone could help me figure out what was going on with my head pain she was the one. Then when I had to go to the hospital for my first status migraine. I had her call me because I was so scared and nervous.


So, In case I didn't say it as a kid, or I haven't said it often enough lately...

THANK YOU PAM!

Recently I have discussed friends that have not been supportive of my migraines. I do however have someone who is so supportive of me and my migraines and that is my wonderful husband. He is my best friend. The first time I had to call my husband home from work to take me to the Emergency Room he got home so quick you would have thought he had a police escort. He holds my hair back when I am sick, or will brush my hair when I need to relax.

Whenever I just need to talk about what is frustrating me or when I don't understand something he is always there to listen to me. We will work together to come to a solution that will fit both of our needs. I must admit that sometimes I think he makes sure my needs are more met than his these days. He does all the grocery shopping and cooking and even conformed to my special needs diet like a champ.

He has been to all my doctors appointments with me, so that he can better understand this disease with me. I can see it hurts him when I am hurting from a migraine. I never have to question his love for me. He shows me in his actions everyday.

I really hope I am half the wife to him that he is the husband to me.

Who is your support person?

So living with migraines and trying to find my triggers has been a struggle and a blessing. I have found some triggers that I am not happy about like aged cheese. Some of my favorite places to eat have aged cheese in my favorite meals. It is also a blessing by knowing what to avoid to try to reduce the number of migraines that I have to suffer through.

The other day I am sitting at work and my co-worker/dinner buddy comes over to my desk and wants to know if I want to go out to dinner with her. She tells me she going to Bread Co. for a salad to which I tell her, oh I cant eat there anymore because of the blue cheese in the salad. It is a big trigger for a me to have a migraine. She is totally put off. Like I am making it up because I just don't want to go out to eat with her or something. She is like just a little bit wont hurt, or cant you just pick it out? Pick it out, seriously? Have you ever tried to pick out blue cheese crumbles, there are tiny pieces everywhere! Then she says you could always get the salad without the cheese. Yes I realize this, and maybe she is just trying to be helpful, but now it just feels like she is patronizing me. I am trying to deal with this in my own way right now. If I told her that I would have some visible reaction like my face would swell up with red blisters if one little piece of blue cheese made it into my salad would she have dropped it and thought of somewhere else to eat?

I do try to put myself into the other person's shoes, they cant see migraines. It is a hard disease to understand. They don't have them, so there is no reason for them to be educated. I don't want their sympathy. I don't want to be treated any differently. What I do want however, is for other people to know that I know my body and I do know what is best for it. I am the one living with this disease, and when I say no I don't want that glass of wine, that salad, or to stay up that extra hour, I am not trying to put you off or inconvenience you in any way. I am just trying to keep my self healthy and pain free.

Today is the start of the US Open Tennis Tournament. I'm cheering for you Serena. As ya'll can probably tell I am a huge tennis fan, and yes my husband knew this before he married me and still loved me anyway. Thanks honey!
I really wish we could get some new American girls out on the court that could show some dominance. Venus and Serena are only going to be on the court for a few more years, and then we are going to be left with no one. There isn't one single American woman in the top 50 after Venus and Serena who are in the top 10. There are however plenty of Russian woman who live in the United States that still claim Russia as their homeland. This doesn't make any sense to me. How can you live somewhere your entire life, well all but 3 years of it, and not be a resident of that country or a citizen for that matter? When do we just say ok it is time to apply for your citizenship and start playing for the United States. Maybe I just don't understand all that is involved. I just don't want to see my sport die out. Come on Girls, I know we have some American Tennis Champions out there!