Last time this year I was just finding out that I was pregnant. I really could not have been happier as I thought the day would never come. I was really nervous because I was taking Topamax as my preventive for my migraines and it can cause some pretty serious birth defects. Thankfully my baby girl had none of those. She was a little early on Nov 19, 2010 weighing in at 6 pounds 8 ounces and 19 inches long.

I was so lucky that I had very few migraines during my pregnancy. I think I may have had one in the first trimester and that was it. Relatively speaking I had a great pregnancy and honestly was a little sad to see it go so early. I was excited about having the baby don't get me wrong, but I just loved being pregnant.

I knew I was going to breastfed from the start, so I searched online websites and watched youtube videos. I gathered as much information as I possibly could. This was going to be a success for me. I wanted to have a natural drug free delivery....helicopter NO! At least the breastfeeding is still going strong. We had a few complications with latch at the very start but nothing a little patience, and momma tears couldn't work out.

I have the sweetest most laid back baby a parent could ever dream of. She looks just like her daddy and if I didn't carry her for 9 months I would have swore he cheated on me. I can already tell she got the best part of my personality.

I wished and prayed and wished some more that these dreaded migraines would be out of my life like a bad boyfriend, but not two weeks later they reared their ugly head back into my life. It is such a struggle to try to take care of yourself when you are healthy with a newborn baby much less when you are sick. There is no preventive medication that I can take for them while I am nursing. I can take Imitrex which I absolutely hate. I hate how it makes my heart beat fast and my head feel like it is burning hotter than a half bred fox in a forest fire. I suppose when I am working with limited treatment I should dust off my hands and work with what I have. I will not admit defeat with these migraines and I will continue to nurse my daughter until either get the best of me.

PS. Honorable mention goes to my IT department, thank you for unblocking Blogger.

Ok so here I am ranting about work again...I am just so frustrated. First there seems to be a problem with a fan in the ceiling again. It sounds like the Wheel of Fortune spinner every 15 minutes. Last winter I called building maintenance, they came out and claimed they couldn't hear anything and left. Well I had my manager sit at my desk for five minutes, and she heard it and called them back out. So the maintenance man crawled up into the ceiling and poked around and pretty much said "I don't know what I did, but hopefully it is fixed". It was until last week, and now today it was crazy loud again. I think it is because we went from heat to cool air. Let the migraine begin!!!

Second my co-workers are not coming back to work. I really try to be sympathetic. I know one of them is going through a tough time in her life, but it is really hard. I just don't know how long I can keep this up.

I came home and took my first injection of Imitrex, wow the burn hurts. I was warned by my HA that it would happen this way, but it sure makes me cry for my Zomig. Let's at least hope the results are least the same. I would hate to think I have gone through the pain of the migraine today and now the ouch of the injection coupled by the burn of the medicine and it do nothing for my head.

I went to pick up my prescriptions today and let me tell you I think my local chain pharmacist is an idiot. First when I dropped them off yesterday I had a consult with him because Dr. B gave me two prescriptions one that he hoped my insurance would cover and one that he knew they would. The first one was for Sumavel DosePro. It is a needless injection of Imitrex or sumatriptan, the other was the Imitrex with the needle. I told the pharmacist that I did not want to fill the Sumavel if my insurance was not going to cover it because I had already been warned of how expensive it was going to be. He really acted like I was putting him out for even bringing in my prescriptions, or asking to have a consult with him. I had brought several other prescriptions in that I just wanted to put on file but did not want to fill at that time. And with prior experiences I did not want to leave there with meds that I did not need because of incompetent pharmacy techs. Well apparently he is just as incompetent.

The first thing that happened when I got home with my medicine was the label said to take by mouth, um ok I obviously have the wrong stuff, even though it looks just like what the nurse showed me in the office on Friday. The second thing is there is no needle to inject the medicine into my mouth or my thigh.  I asked my husband to get back in the car and drive me back up there so that I can find out what is going on. Shame on me for not looking before I left. No complaints from hubby, we were going to grab something to eat anyway.

The pharmacist tries to blame my doctor for not writing the prescription correctly when I get there and that is why I get a refill instead of the starter kit. I was livid right about then, because no one trashes my doctor. I read the prescription very clearly, and I even read it aloud with the stupid pharmacist yesterday. I made him go back and read it and it did clearly say, kit and refill x 6. I walked out of there with two the first time and a label that said by mouth! He couldn't come up with an excuse fast enough for why the label said by mouth and didn't even bother to apologize for the mistake.

I did walk out of there with 6 injections, but they tried to say my insurance would only cover two at first. Then the tech girl put in the computer that it was a two day supply and they covered 4 injections with one co-pay. I had to pay an additional co-pay for the starter kit that had two injections. I can only imagine what this ordeal is going to be like next month.

I really don't understand all this insurance crap, when I was taking Zomig I got a box of 6 and I could get it filled every 2 weeks. It was relieving knowing that when I had a migraine I did not have to hoard my medicine. I did not have to feel like I had to play the wait and see if it got worse game. On the onset of my aura it was time to take my medicine and not worry that I might run out, because I was not limited. I never ran out and I never had to refill more than once a month. But if I am limited to 4 a month and I have 6 migraines, which my migraine journal says I had 6 last month and 5 the month before that, then I am scared....

Since writing this post I came across this article over at MMC http://www.healthcentral.com/migraine/support-446403-5.html at least it is a start in a good direction should I need it.

I saw Dr. B on Friday and honestly I really don't know where my life would be right now without that man. My migraines have been rough for the past couple months. He is so understanding and compassionate. He truly wants to help me get my migraines under control and there is nothing he wont do or try to give me a better quality of life.

My insurance sent me a letter saying they are no longer covering my Zomig as a tier 2 medication and that the price is going way up. They want me to switch to generic Imitrex in shot form. I tried the pill Imitrex before and I had some nasty mood swings on it, but I am going to give it a go again, just to appease the insurance. If I still have the side effects then Dr. B said that we can aggressively fight the insurance company to cover my Zomig again.

Work has been very stressful these last couple of months and I know I have been neglecting my fluids, eating properly, and getting quality sleep, which are all major triggers for me. I know what I need to do, but I find my self so wrapped up in my work that I have lost complete tract of time. I literately look down at the clock and hours have past, and I haven't eaten, drank, or even moved from my desk.  I really don't expect it to get much better, since we are still understaffed, and I am basically doing my job plus two others that have been out sick. One is coming back this week pending the outcome of several more tests, so my hopes are not set too high, and the other one is taking a stress leave after her 3 weeks of vacation time she just burned up....something I may need once this over and she is back in a couple of months.

I do have a game plan though. I am going set up reminders that will pop up on my computer that says get up, go to the bathroom, have a glass of water and a snack, set for every hour this week. I am going to start leaving the office during my lunch again, and I am not going to work over unless absolutely necessary! Maybe when the work starts piling up, and I stop being miss I can do everything I will get some help. Otherwise I am going to be back to where I started as if all good things I have done to control the frequency of my migraines was for nothing. I really don't want to be at that dark place in my life again.

I know I said this before, but I really was happier when I was blogging, so I absolutely must take some me time to de-stress and write. It was fun, and it really helped me wrap the day or week up. It also helped keep tract of how I was feeling when I had a really bad migraine. It is important to me and I must remember the important things.

A change is going to come.....

It has been a much needed week off from the stress of work. I am still not sure I am ready to go back tomorrow. I literately did nothing this past week, but read and watch Tennis. I had no migraines, which was wonderful. Right before I went on vacation another supervisor was sending me her call backs knowing that I had my own customers to call back, plus my own work to do, and on top of that I was managing another supervisor's team while she was out on vacation for a week an half. She was also going on break during her phone time and asking me to get the phone. Well not anymore, this next week the answer will be no, you go to break once your phone time is over like the rest of us. I am not going to put up with this. Just because our boss thinks you can do no wrong, doesn't mean I have to feel that way too.

I really did make a new years resolution to start blogging more, but with all the stress at work, I just simply could not bring myself to write anything. My brain hurt! I do have a few new gadgets to write about that I bought myself to make up for my horrible Christmas :) More of that to come.

Christmas to me is a wonderful time of the year to spend time with family and friends and do a little gift giving to let those people know that you have thought about them and that you are glad that they are in your life. Now I know times have been tough on a lot of people this year. This economy has not been the greatest and there are a lot of people out of work, so the gift giving has been less or less expensive if you will. My husband and I have not been affected by the loss of jobs, in fact we have been lucky this past year and both have received promotions. We went out of our way a little more this year with our family and our closest friends. We defiantly didn't expect it back, or even want it.  I just wanted to pay it forward a little bit.

But you know what hurts the most! Not a simple thank you...or wow I love it...where in the hell are your manners?? My friends with children teach their children at a very young age that a simple thank you goes after your receive anything...no matter if you like it not!
Three couples from the family decided that we would pitch in and buy a really lavish gift for my husband's grandparents. We bought a 32 inch flat screen TV along with a TV stand for grandpa, and for grandma we bought a digital camera. I had my reservations about buying her a digital camera. She isn't exactly up with the newest electronic gadgets, but she had been asking for one for a long time and if she was excited about it enough it shouldn't take her too long to figure out how to turn it on and click down the button...right. I guess she changed her mind and didn't want the camera anymore...must of changed it the day before Christmas. Then if that wasn't bad enough grandpa bitched about us getting him a TV and not her a TV to watch in the kitchen. Seriously, in the F'n kitchen?! The TV they had before was one of those old console TV's. They just upgraded their cable to U Verse and they are paying for HD channels that they had no TV to watch them on because all their TV's were born in the stone age. I was literally ready to break down and either cuss and scream and tell them that I know 2 year olds with better manners or just cry my eyes out.

It does get worse, the title does say it all. My husbands mom has really hurt my feelings this year. I know she is broke and can't afford gifts, fine just come up and spend some time with us. She was not here for Thanksgiving and now for Christmas. She is also saying some pretty hurtful things, and the last one that really hurt was when were at my niece's special Christmas party this year. My niece lives in Colorado, so we had to drive an hour away to see her, so that we could have a combined Christmas with both sides of her family. My MIL announced that she and my niece had made special Christmas cards for everyone they cared about, and me nor my husband received a Christmas card. You know that card would have meant more to me and my husband than anything they could have bought us.

BTW, on Christmas Day I had a migraine from hell. It must of been because I was so distraught from Christmas Eve. Next year I am going to Cancun and forgetting that Christmas ever existed.

I received this email via a group in Facebook. Please take a moment to support our neurologists. It will only take a minute of your time. Thanks!

Dear All:

Please take 10 minutes to visit the AHDA website and email your senators. Your help is urgently needed. See the below.

Thanks,

Bray


As you can see, we've just mobilized an action alert to support the Medicare incentive program for neurology in close coordination with the AAN and six other neurological disorder advocacy groups.

Please take just a minute now to visit the AHDA webpage (http://www.capwiz.com/headacheadvocacy/issues/alert/?alertid=14446301&PROCESS=Take+Action ) to email the precise necessary message to your senators to support the Klobuchar amendment to the health care reform bill.

Time is of the essence. The Klobuchar amendment was filed on Monday and we do not know when it will be voted upon by the Senate.

Thanks very much.

Best,

Bob

Robert E. Shapiro, M.D., Ph.D.
Professor of Neurology

Given Building C219B,
Department of Neurology,
University of Vermont College of Medicine,
89 Beaumont Avenue,
Burlington, VT, 05405

Phone: 802-656-1480
FAX: 802-656-5844
robert.shapiro@uvm.edu
http://www.med.uvm.edu/neurology/WebBio.asp?SiteAreaID=729



Please Email Your Senators to Support the Klobuchar / Collins Amendment
Dear AHDA advocates:

The AHDA is dedicated to improving the welfare of individuals suffering from headache disorders. Our near-term goals have focused on increasing NIH funding for headache disorders to lead to improved therapies. However, the health care reform bill currently being debated in Congress has forced us to take action in a slightly different direction to protect access to quality medical care for patients with headache disorders.

The Senate Health Care Reform Bill contains a particular provision to provide bonus Medicare payments to doctors from certain primary care specialties. This is a very good idea. It is intended to incentivize and encourage doctors to enter and stay in primary care practice.

Physicians who specialize in headache medicine provide primary or principal care for patients with headache disorders and more than 90% of them are neurologists. Unfortunately, neurologists have been unaccountably left out of eligibility for these bonuses. If the Health Reform Bill passes with the incentive program as it is written, it will significantly undermine the ability to recruit and retain doctors to the field of headache medicine. Headache doctors are already very scarce, and it will become that much harder to find one.

What can we do? Fortunately, Sen Klobuchar of Minnesota, along with Sen Collins of Maine and Senator Brown of Ohio, have offered a bipartisan amendment to the Senate Health Care Reform Bill that would add neurologists to the Medicare incentive program. We, at the AHDA, have added our voice of support for this amendment to those of other national groups with interests in patients with neurological diseases, including the American Academy of Neurology, the ALS Association, the Parkinson's Action Network, the Epilepsy Foundation, the Brain Injury Association of America, the Alzheimer's Foundation of America, and the National Multiple Sclerosis Society.

We are asking you to contact your two Senators right now through our website to urge them to co-sponsor the Klobuchar amendment. Doing this is as easy as just a few mouse clicks. Please do it as soon as possible. Also, please forward this email and ask everyone that you know that cares about someone with a neurological disorder to do so now too. The Klobuchar amendment will be voted upon by the Senate any day now.

It's easy and should take you 10 minutes or less.

Thank you very much.

Best regards,

Bob Shapiro
Bill Young
Brad Klein
Teri Robert

Well I have had another birthday come and go since my last post. It was nice having my friends around to support me. I really feel like my migraines have been out of control lately.

I had an appointment with Dr. B, however I didn't get to see him. I saw the PA instead. She was nice. I told her about what was going on with my migraines and she seemed to believe everyone was struggling this past month. Hump. I don't really care about everyone else..maybe that is selfish, but after having such good months, then bam! migraine explosion I want to know what is going on. She made me another appointment in a month to actually see Dr. B. I told her about the tingles I had with my 3 day migraine and she didn't see surprised or worried, just seemed like it was something that could happen after a really bad migraine. I try to tell myself if the doctor isn't worried then I shouldn't worry either. I think I will still bring it up to Dr. B at my next appointment. She also gave me a rescue medication ultram I think it was.

Smells are really triggering my migraines a lot more these days. I have tried to get some Christmas shopping done on the weekends and the perfumes that are being sprayed everywhere is driving me crazy. It seems like I can smell perfume on people before I even get close to them and then shortly after here comes the start of a migraine. I can not do anything about this trigger!! I feel so helpless.

My knees and legs have been killing me lately also. I feel on some days I could rip my knee caps right off. No amount of rubbing, heat, ice or medication is helping to relieve the pain. I am just so sick of it, if it isn't the migraine causing me pain it my knees. WHAT'S NEXT!!

I just really feel like I am falling apart. It is really making me feel depressed, and I really don't want that for the holidays.

Things were a bit different today. I woke up feeling rather well considering I had no migraine to treat. In fact I didn't even have the usual dull headache that I normally get after a really bad migraine. What I did have was this tingling sensation that went from my face to my feet about 30 minutes after I woke up that lasted for about 2 hours. It was only on the left side of my face but both of my arms and hands were tingling and both of my legs and feet. It was very strange and was becoming rather frightening. It didn't hurt, not like when your foot goes to sleep not like pins and needles. It was just tingles. It is hard to explain. Once they went away I have been ok for the rest the day. I even managed to go the grocery store.

While I am anxious to talk to Dr. B about the things that have been going on with me the last week, I really hope that he does not give me too hard of a time for not getting my MRI done yet. I was suppose to have that scheduled. I honestly just could not find the time. Well I suppose I should say I have not wanted to disappoint anyone at work for taking a day off. I really need to learn to treat myself better I know, but he also wants me to have an EKG done and that has to be scheduled by my PCP and if I am going to take a day off I would like to get them both done at the same time.

Day 3 and I am still not well....We had such beautiful weather...then came the down pour, my monthly friend, and I went back to my evening shift. I really thought going back to my normal work schedule was going to be a blessing but apparently that was just going to be another change in my sleep pattern that ended up being the straw that broke the camels back if you will. I am not sure I am in status because I have got some relief with the zomig, just not enough. I have taken 3 triptans in 2 days and I dont think it is a good idea to take anymore, but my head is pounding right now. I have suffered today with not taking anything, but I am really close to just taking my last vicodin and hoping that I can get some sleep. I see Dr. B in 2 weeks and I plan on really having a long talk with him about some form of rescue medication. I dont need them often, but when I do I want some RELIEF!

I have had such a hectic few weeks. I have been in training at work which means that I am on the day shift. I do not like getting up when it is still dark outside! I am having a really hard time remembering my new medication schedule. I cant remember if I took my Topamax in the morning and then I am so tired by the time I get home I totally forget to take it at night. I really wonder if I am coming or going. I thought it would only take me a couple of days to get used to it..NOPE! I am still forgetting my medication as of last night, and it has been 2 weeks. I have had 2 migraines, which is quite shocking since I am so out of wack with the medication and a new sleep pattern. I thought for sure I would have one everyday.

Last weekend every time I tried to blog I would sit lay down on the couch with my lap top and start to write something and 5 seconds later I would be asleep. It was very frustrating.  My crazy husband tried to even take a picture of me with my fingers in the typing position, the screen saver on, and me fast asleep. I promptly deleted it!!

I have at least been able to catch up with friends since I am working like a normal person, and that has been at least nice. I have came to the conclusion however that I AM NOT NORMAL, and I will take my second shift back any day now. I am thinking it will be either Thursday or Friday of next week.

The good news is Columbus did sail the ocean blue and we must give him thanks on Monday. Hip Hip Hooray for Bank Holidays and three day weekends!

I am very happy to report that Zomig is my new BFF! I really hate to brag, but this abortive has really helped me. I do not get any nasty side effects other than making me drowsy, but not so severely that I must lay down and go into an unconscious state for several hours.

At my last visit with my Headache Migraine Specialist, Dr. B said to take it as soon as my aura came, so the very next day here came the aura, and I did as I was told. But wait no migraine ever showed up, was this really the zomig? Did it honestly keep my migraine from roaring its ugly head? Dont get me wrong, I knew I had something going on with my head, it was just a dull ache though. Like the kind of ache you get the day after a severe migraine. It was kinda scary and exciting at the same time. I didn't know if I had just taken it too early, maybe I had mistaken my aura for something else. Not sure what else that blinding spot in my left eye that produces those pretty colors could be, maybe my cigarette was laced with LSD, ha! I also wasn't sure how to feel about not acutally suffering through a migraine. Does that make sense to anyone? I am not sure it makes sense to me, let alone anyone else, but somehow strangely that is how I am feeling.


Some days though I wake up with a migraine totally skipping my aura phase and that is when things become a bit more hairy. I am very nauseous and my light and noise sensitivity is through the roof. One dose of Zomig and my migraine is greatly reduced. It isn't completely gone, however I can still function at work and I can take my other medication for the nausea. When I do go to work with a migraine it progressively gets worse and I always worry that I will have some weird side effect show up, so I don't take new drugs at work unless I have taken them at least 3 or 4 times with nothing crazy happening. I have no side effects to report, and I have taken over 4 doses. I was a bit skeptical. When I come home from work through I take another dose of the Zomig and lay down for a bit and the migraine is back down to just a dull ache.

I really think I can start knocking these migraines out at work now. It is almost comforting to know that I will not have to continue down down this destructive path feeling well enough to go to work and then getting to work and feeling like I could chop off my head at any given moment.

I am still working on the part of not feeling guilty about not suffering even a little bit when I am able to catch my migraine during it's aura phase. I feel great, but I cant help but think of the many of you that are not able to get this kind of relief. I still don't know why I think I have to feel this way. As soon as I get that one migraine that is troublesome to treat I remember why I am grateful that I do have something that works so effectively.

Acetaminophen: Educate, Do Not Regulate

Well I cant sleep, my migraine seems to have dulled to about a 4 so it is tolerable.

I thought I would write a little more about Patrick Swayze. I briefly wrote about him losing his battle with pancreatic cancer at a young age of 57. He was such a fighter. He never lost hope. He was such a inspiration to me. He continued to work on the set of "The Beast" an A&E drama series until he could work no more. I saw a documentary on his battle with cancer recently and while you could tell that he was totally committed to the show, you could also tell that he was at times in severe pain.

I remember being a tween and catching Dirty Dancing on video and just being head over hills in love with him. I probably watched that movie at least once every weekend and could quote every line. I would pretend I was baby and one day dream of find my Johnny in life.

Then came the movie Ghost. He stole my heart again. Honestly who couldn't be emotionally moved in that moved. The pottery scene, need I say more? If you weren't moved, well then clink clink on your heart of steel.

You can read his whole Bio here.

My heart goes out to his family and his wonderful wife, who has stood by him through the best and worst of times in his life.

So last night I was all excited about getting up and getting ready for work. I was trying to decide which outfit I was going to wear. I even thought I would put on some makeup and fix my hair a little extra nice, even thought I would make a commitment to wear makeup everyday. Guess who decides to show up this morning, oh yeah that's right my not welcome friend migraine, I really thought I had it beat last night. I just had the dull ache by the time I went to bed.

It is really hard getting dressed and being excited about it when you feel like you could split your head open and all would be well. I did not feel like pulling on my hair to fix it up, but I did. I did not feel like brushing on my makeup over my forehead, but I did for the sake of not looking like how I felt.

I knew my head was really bad when I told one person here at work to have a good weekend..um yeah it is Monday, Nicole. I also told someone that Patrick Swazye died on Monday, uh yeah that would be today. See my brain is just not functioning. I am sure I said other things that I just can't seem to recall.

Well I am off work and I am going to hermit in my bedroom, with my icepack and another spray of zomig. Hopefully this will do the trick.

This weekend has just not been very good for my favorite sport teams. They have all lost. Serena Williams had some kind of intense mental breakdown and went ape shit on a line judge for calling a foot fault on her. She called out some rather insane expletives which in turn caused the chair umpire to call a point penalty which just happened to be the match point for her opponent. She lost the game without even having to lift her racket. What a shame.

Then if that wasn't bad enough my Saint Louis Cardinals seem to have lost their mojo too. They have lost the last three of their games. We have a very good lead in for first place, but it is possible to lose it. We can lose all our games, and have Chicago win all of their games. We would lose first place, and our chance at the world series. My friend doesn't call them the cardiac Cardinals for nothing.

Now onto the the start of Football season today. The Saint Louis Rams were horrible today. I was really hoping they would have a little something in them to show all of their loyal supporters that this was going to be the start of a good year...ha ha. What a big goose egg for the final score board.

I can remember the days when I was young and before I had such horrible migraines that I could start shopping when the stores open their doors and not come home until the stores would be making their announcement that it was closing time. 


I tried this yesterday, but I defiantly did not make it until closing time. I got up around 9, but didn't manage to leave the house until 10:30 with a friend of mine. We were off to find me some new clothes that were not falling off of me, and that were more business like attire for my new position at work. We hit several different stores before I finally said I need to eat, which I did, but I also knew I needed to rest. We went to Applebees. I love their 2 meals for $20. 


It was really exciting to see that I have gone down one pant size, and two top sizes. I was having a lot of fun trying on clothes. It was total gratification looking at myself in that mirror. 


I came home at modeled my new clothes for my husband and he liked them all. He liked that I got shirts that I could mix and match with other pants. Then I found myself drifting off to sleep, it was only 5 o'clock. I took a nap that lasted until 9 pm. Dang I was tired. There goes my sleep schedule. I still manged to go back to bed at 2 am, which is a usual bed time for me. 


This morning though I woke up with a migraine. I knew I just way over did things. I must keep telling myself that limits are good and that I cant do all things that I once could. It is just so darn hard, and I was having a good time.

I am really thinking about trying to start some type of meditation and relaxation to help with my migraines. I have bought the Soundscape Cd's from Wal-mart, tried to breathe deep and think of beaches and warm fuzzy thoughts, but that usually gets me a whole 10 seconds before my brain will start making to do lists, thinking of what I want to wear tomorrow to work, or how many piles of laundry I am going to need to do this weekend. So yeah, needless to say that just isn't working for me. I tried to search for some blogs that would be able to help give me some techniques to work with but I have not have any luck so far. I will keep searching though. I also thought about hitting the book store this weekend, maybe there is a meditation for dummies out there. Suggestions are welcome!


I also thought about doing some yoga, but I am not limber at all. Some of those poses just scare me. I haven't been able to put my leg behind my head since I was three, but I bet my husband would enjoy watching me try. And I am sure the anticipation of success will just make him eager as a teenage virgin. Most of the websites that I did research about yoga said that I needed to take a yoga for beginners class; then I could go home and do the yoga on my own. Well see I would rather fall on my ass in the comfort of my own home without anyone watching me. Then when I feel like I have had some practice, and I don't feel like I am a total yoga noob I will go to a class. I will report back later with my with how things are going.

(8/31)
How does someone ever make it right? Will I ever feel the same way about this person? There are very few people that I really become close to in life. I mean don't get me wrong I have lots of friends. But the sad part is that they may think they know me, but honestly they don't have the slightest idea about me or my life. I carefully chose who I let in and most of the time I chose correctly. I know ya'll must be thinking what deep dark secret does this girl have?? Well there are a few things that I am just not proud of, and no I am not discussing them here, maybe one day. Nothing horrific like murder or mayhem, just things that show my life wasn't always perfect. It still isn't perfect, but boy I sure have came a long way. I kinda wiped the slate clean when I moved from North Carolina to Missouri.

Recently I trusted someone to keep a secret, it wasn't anything too personal. I got some really good news at work, but I was told I couldn't discuss the news until later. Well I was just absolutely delighted, and I tried really hard to hold it in. A week went past and she asked me about it along with tons of other people and finally I just broke and swore her to secrecy. What a huge mistake. She promised she wouldn't say anything. So a couple more days after I broke my silence go by and still no announcement has been made of my news, and quite frankly I am getting tired of telling people no I haven't heard anything when in fact yes I have and the news is quite good, but thanks to management I cant share my wonderful news so stop asking me questions I cant answer. I still haven't told anyone else though because I am nervous enough just knowing that I have told that one person.

So she is discussing my news with her cubical mate and he is also someone who has applied for the same position that I have. Well that just complicates matters worse. Not only has she broken my trust, but she is talking about this to someone who could seriously get me in me major hot water. I could lose my new job faster than I got it. So of course he gets upset and goes to talk to his supervisor and wants to know what is going on with the job. WHAT THE F! Now I have to smooth things over with him and stroke his ego, something I don't even do with my own husband. Which I did, and everything turned ok. Well everything except for my ego.

She sends me a text message over the weekend and asks if I am mad at her. To which I reply that I am upset that I can no longer trust her. I expected her to just keep her mouth shut no matter what anyone said to her. Play dumb, nod and smile...whatever...you promised, you swore to secrecy.

I still cant talk about this in full detail because there still has been no damn announcement at work! 2 weeks, I am losing my patience. This sure was a lot to ask of someone. You publicly announce the job posting. Everyone knows there has been interviews, people have been told they did not get the position and 2 people have been told something, but they cant talk about it. Rumors have been spreading like wild fires in California. I am out of things to tell people. I am just going with I cant talk about it right now. Which just makes people talk. I was trying to totally avoid that in the beginning by just saying no I hadn't heard anything, but now I just give up.

(9/9)
Finally my new promotion has been announced! I could not be happier to be in more of a leadership role at work. I am finally getting paid for the job that I have been doing for the last year, which is problem solving, help desk calls and going above and beyond what is expected. I do have to wait for someone to be trained to take my place before I can officially start, but my increase in pay has started even though I am not able to start my new duties.

Of course there has been a bit of drama with this promotion from my fellow co-workers because this job wasn't posted. Remember I talked about the job I applied for didn't have the greatest hours, 4 days a week 10 hour shifts. Well I actually got a better job. When I accepted the position I knew there would be some tongue in cheek remarks and not everyone would be happy for my success, but that is okay. I know that I earned the job based on my merit, or I would not have presented with the better position.

I am also starting to talk to my friend again. I may not start trusting her with my inner most secrets, but I could tell she was truly sorry. Hopefully she has learned when to keep her mouth shut from now on. I do care about her and would hate to see our friendship be over.

1. The illness I live with is: Migraine disease
   
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2009
   
3. But I had symptoms since:2001
   
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: learning how to say no, I cant be in 2 places at one time, nor can my schedule be packed full. I have to take some "me time"
   
5. Most people assume: that if I am smiling I am feeling fine, no I am just good at faking it, so you don't ask.
   
6. The hardest part about mornings is: nothing, I sleep in the mornings :)
   
7. My favorite medical TV show is: Eleventh Hour and House
   
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my yahoo toolbar
   
9. The hardest part about nights is: my restless leg syndrome
   
10. Each day I take: 3 Topamax, 10 sprays of Migra Spray and 2 capfuls of a liquid multi-vitamin
    
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: use meditation & aromatherapy
    
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I wish I didn't have to chose, but visible would be my choice.
    
13. Regarding working and career: I am still lucky enough to to be able to work every day. My career is very important to me.
    
14. People would be surprised to know: I used to refuse to take medication. I hated to even take a Tylenol for a headache.
    
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: that I do have to set limits for myself
    
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: I am learning to write and express myself through my blog. Hopefully I will be able to do something more in the future.
    
17. The commercials about my illness: there are commercials? I hate commercials
    
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: socially drinking
    
19. It was really hard to have to give up: a non set sleep schedule. I liked being able to go to bed when I wanted and sleep in how ever long I wanted too, now it is important that I go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time.
    
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: learning as much as I can about migraines.
    
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: I would plan my normal day sometime in the future so I could actually plan something and know 100% that I was going to be migraine free.
    
22. My illness has taught me: do what you can on the good days and try to not feel guilty about what you left on the bad days
    
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: When I tell people that I have a migraine and they offer me a Tylenol, please don't, it doesn't help my migraine and just reminds me that I have an incurable disease.
    
24. But I love it when people: ask me about my doctor's appointments
    
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: My disabling chronic illness is more real than your imaginary medical expertise. - You Don't Look Sick
    
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: even when you feel like you are at your wits end, or you feel like you have lost all hope, there is lots of web support and to keep the faith.
    
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: the inaccurate or out of date information on the Internet about migraines.
    
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: my husband brushes my hair to ease my pain and to relax me
    
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: we need more people aware that just because you can't see someone physically ill, doesn't mean they aren't in pain.
    
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: that there is hope and that together we can make a difference.

You can find out more about National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week and the 5-day free virtual conference with 20 speakers Sept 14-18, 2009 at www.invisibleillness.com.